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Help!

by Steven Martin Cohen

What pisses the living fuck out of me, is the self-explanatory nature of:
HELP

Help gives you the impression that when you press on this bullshit you mightactually get just that: help. Well fuck me for being so naive and fuckin'stupid as to think that anything labeled HELP is anything other than exactlythe opposite. I need one of those machines built by While E. Coite -- theone when you pull the string it kicks you in the ass...

10 for I = 1 to 10 ^ 100000000000000000000000000000000
20 I am an asshole
30 Next I
40 Goto 10

...So like I'm trying to set up a fuckin' address book in [An error On Line]oh Jesus...I meant [America On Line]...so they have the [group name] --the example they give is [associates], and they have the [screen name], andthey give the example [Jenny C]

With my IQ, I am fuckin' incapable of figuring out what the fuck they aretalking about. I guess it means I am stupid!!! Like I, who know nothingabout this brilliant technology would be stupid enough to think that anaddress book would read something like, for instance:

Steve Asshole Cohen -- asshole@stupid.com

...in other words the first entry on the list is what the birth certificatename is, and the second entry is the corresponding address in cyberspace, so when you send something to that address, the message actually goesto the real person assigned to that address (novel concept? or is theresomething profoundly missing from my brain that prevents me from derivingknowledge through nothing other than the act of self-examination).

Nowhere in Help does it give you a real example of this because if they didthat -- it would be telling, and we can't do that -- or if I'm so fuckin'stupid that I don't know how to do that which is already known by those whoat birth had it somehow encoded into their genetic material just like how theprocess of digestion does not require cerebral intervention (if it did, mosthumans would starve to death by the age of 200,000 seconds), and I just don'tdeserve to know how it's actually done in reality -- sort of like the cyberspaceequivalent of driving in New Jersey, where a road sign is generallyconsidered to be superfluous sculpture -- if you don't already know how toget there, you don't deserve to know in the first place.

Any help written by an expert is useless. There are exceptions, I am sure...somewhere. I have never seen any though. Any road sign erected by the guy who built the road is useless. There are exceptions, I am sure...somewhere. I have actually seen well-documented roads.