Honestly!

by Willy Chaplin

Is it just me, or does it seem to you that politicians, media people and other celebrities are getting more honest these days? Of course, when they are caught with their pants down around their knees, the usual denials of culpability follow like night after day. But, it seems that each month the time between the denials and the admission of maybe-that-was-my-dick-in-the-tea-after-all are becoming increasingly shortened.

If so, why so? My theory is that the immediacy of the Internet and the increasing awareness that one can blow the whistle anonymously AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT have encouraged ever more tattle-tales to sing their sordid songs for the entertainment and amusement of the general public. Furthermore, the tabloidization of television and the newspapers has desensitized us all to sportscasters in drag or presidential penis peculiarities.

Take the tobacco companies. Besieged from all sides by blue nose prohibitionists and ex-smokers who wish to escape personal responsibility for their own (former) actions, they have begun to counter-attack with...of all things...the TRUTH! Recently, since they are being sued by many states and the Feds for the alleged medical costs of treating smoking related illness, they have come up with an interesting statistic. That is, they assert that, since smokers tend to die sooner (MUCH sooner, if one takes on faith the veracity of the statistics of the anti-smoking forces), their actual financial burden to the socialized medical system is LESS than non-smokers. The latter live longer and thus tend to get all those expensive-to-treat end-of-life afflictions that cost society so dearly.

Now, I am not in a position to vouch for the veracity of ANY of the numbers put forth by the contending powers, but I do know that a judge sitting on this case has disallowed the tobacco companies using this argument as a legal maneuver to escape culpability. This strikes me as very strange indeed. The tobacco cartels say it is a "fact" and they should be allowed to prove it. Why should the anti-tobacco folks be allowed to introduce their "facts," but the tobacco companies can not? Prediction: this contradiction will eventually have to be squarely faced and argued about. Remember, you read it here first.

Similarly, the UN is refusing to buckle to Saddam Hussein's bullshit and is constantly acting as though Iraq's constant disclaimers of building WOMDs (Weapons Of Mass Destruction) are simply lies. Are they? Who knows for sure? When liars start telling the truth, it is difficult to sort the wheat from the chaff. But, I predict this too will get easier.

Sooner or later, some intelligence agency is going to realize that the Internet provides a worldwide source of important and useful data, with each and every citizen of the planet a potential spy! Of course, the down side, that spy-versus-spy includes telling on them as well. Thus, in order to lure potential "spies" to tell all, hopefully in public on the Internet, this agency is going to have to start coming clean itself. I for one, welcome the day when the CIA starts telling all they know about the other guys. If they don't, they will be missing a tremendous opportunity to change their image AND become exponentially more effective. Of course, worldwide adverse public reaction to THEIR misdeeds would require them to stop backing torture and death squads, stop sponsoring "dirty tricks" and assassinations, stop peddling disinformation. I look forward to the first CIA sponsored spy site. Again, remember: you read it here first.

Similarly, police agencies, if they dropped their penchant for secrecy, could enlist the entire public in their criminal investigations. Recently, the city of Saint Paul, Minnesota has begun to publish the names, addresses and photographs on the Web of "Johns" arrested for soliciting prostitutes. Now, like most people (except of course, CEBBTO), I wince at the thought that men merely trying to get laid by a professional are being put through this kind of embarrassment. On the other hand, what is the likely outcome of this new "invasion of privacy?"

Perhaps it will lead to less prostitution. That IS, after all, the stated intent. It seems to me, however, that it is more likely that those of us who feel that laws against prostitution are archaic and stupid will rise up and make our lawmakers put an end to the prohibition thereof. Perhaps, this same tactic (publishing data about "wrongdoers") and counter-tactic (writing essays like this drawing attention to the absurdity of it all) will lead to the end of laws prohibiting ANY victimless crime. I say, "About fucking time!"

Meanwhile, police agencies COULD use their newfound electronic friend to publish information about crimes we ALL disapprove of: rape, murder, armed robbery, etc. I suspect it will be a significant deterrent for a rapist to know that not only will he be imprisoned if caught, but, for the rest of his life, information about his misdeeds will be publically available, on the Internet, for all to see. His movements will be constantly monitored. He won't be able to haul out his prick to piss in the bushes without someone somewhere snapping a photo and putting it on the Web.

Invasion of privacy? You betcha! But, we already are having our privacy invaded constantly by government and non-government forces who collect, sort, classify and disperse crucial data about our personal and (used-to-be) private lives all secretly and WITHOUT our consent. This intrusion can only get greater as the Internet proliferates and information gets both easier to collect and easier to collate. Can we stop it? NOT A CHANCE!

What we CAN do, however, is INSIST that ALL collected information be made publicly available...to the entire world...on the Internet. At least then we will have an opportunity to dispute the accuracy of what has been collected...also publicly...on the Internet.

This could (and WILL) lead to all sorts of abuses as we begin to experiment with telling the truth, the whole truth. I mean, who's to say what is true and what is not? Eventually, however, as we learn just how many others have committed the same "misdeeds" as we...screwed a hooker, smoked pot, lied about our educational credentials...we will begin to concentrate on those issues that are REALLY important to us and forget about trying to micro-regulate everybody's pleasure seeking behavior that is different than our own. Either way, you had better get prepared. The truth is coming and the truth will set you free! Remember: you read it here first.

Postcript: This column was prepared before the events of the last week, when the infamous Matt Drudge broke the latest (and probably the last) chapter in the President's Private Parts saga. Speaking of truth, it appears that if Billy Bob had just fessed up, "Yeah, I got some head from the broad in between cabinet meetings..." he might be home free! The opinion I have sampled, as well as the polls, suggest that while nobody really gives a shit what he does with his pecker, a vast majority think he shouldn't have lied about it UNDER OATH. I predict that the man will be out of a job within a month...if not sooner. Why so fast? We're on Net time, ladies and gentlemen. Hold on to your hats!

Talk to you later...

CEBBTOs: Those who wish to (C)control (E)verybody's (B)ehavior (B)ut (T)heir (O)wn.

Willy Chaplin is a man who calls himself a libertarian and thinks he has something to say to us all. This rant was previously published on How Can You Laugh at a Time Like This?