Tuesday April 22, 08 05:22 AM - God. How could you? How COULD YOU? You told me that you never touched her. Sorry, but pregnancy and miscarriages don't happen through immaculate fucking conception! I gave you everything. EVERYTHING, DAMNIT. I let you live off of me for three months, while I paid the rent, gas, food, and let you drive my van. Where the FUCK do you get off telling me that my reaction when you broke the news to me was inappropriate?! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART, ASSHOLE! HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO REACT?! Just...fuck you. Discussion Saturday April 19, 08 05:28 PM - Just give up and admit you're an asshole. Thanks, asshole. I really appreciate you texting me, asking for a ride home, then making me wait. Oh, you can't come in. I don't want you two talking to each other. What the hell are you telling us that is so inconsistent that we're not allowed to be within earshot of each other? Just wait outside her house. Go wait for me at the drive thru restuarant across the street. Come get me in the opposite fucking direction that I told you to wait for me in. Thanks for hanging up on me too, dick wad. I really appreciate being your bitch and driving across town to wait for you to get your happy ass in gear. I'm really glad that you say you want to fix things between us and then shut me out whenever you feel like it. Yeah, way to build trust there. Here, let me bend over a little more so it's easier for you to fuck me in the ass, right? And let me guess, should you find this, you'll be all ass hurt. Pull your head out of your ass and quit playing the victim. Any and all emotional pain you're in right now is your own damn fault. Straighten up and fly right. Fucker. Saturday September 15, 07 03:15 PM - Thinking fight Fight FIGHT at all costs. I said once that I was an independent bitch. Right now, that's never been more apparent. If you said four, five months ago that I would be ok with not having a relationship, I probably would have started crying. And if Devon left me, I would, don't get me wrong, I love him more than I ever have anyone else or ever will love anyone else. All I want is for my relationship to work, and I'm willing to do what it taks, but right now, I'm tired. I'm so strung out and exhausted that if I was by myself, I wouldn't be overly broken up about it. I hate to say that I'm in this position, but I am. And the more that I want to clear the air so I we can go back to how we were, the closer I get to slipping and telling him that I know that he fucked Dani. That's just the problem though. I could go to her and say "Hey, I know what you did, and I don't want this to stay on both our consciences forever, not to mention I want to state for the record that I'm not as fucking stupid as you think I am," and she would say "Yeah, I did that, and I'm sorry for it, but not really, you have fun with him since I have a new boyfriend that won't treat me like he did." There would be no problems there. I tell Devon that I know what went down, and he'd deny, and get incredibly pissed that I even brought it up. He still denies that he fucked Dani when he was still with Jodi, despite the fact that Jodi knows and is OK with it, I know, Devon knows, Dani knows and Devon still won't own up to it. "Ew! I wouldn't fuck her with a 10 foot pole!" That's what he says. It's all lies. I'm tired of hiding. I know that anyone else in my place would have dumped his ass already, but I'm not anyone else, I love him and I believe in second chances. That's why I laid the rule down: You find someone who you're "not serious" with and I'm gone. I'm serious too. He does it and he won't ever hear from me again. I suppose it all boils down that I'm worn just about as thin as I can be and I'm saying fuck it. Whatever happens, happens. Wednesday December 06, 06 07:03 PM - Purging the vindictive thoughts. By releasing them, they go away. FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK. No. I don't want your bullshit. "I don't want us to get sick of each other." BULL. SHIT. You want to fuck Kira. End of story and you don't want to let me down. GOOOOOOOOOODDDDDD. I hate this! You know something? You used to touch me. You used to kiss me. You used to do both ot these things because you wanted to and not because you wanted sex. That's all I get now. I'm not even your girlfriend anymore, right? I'm your fuck buddy. Whacha doing? Nothing. Going to a movie with...people. Yeah. I'm just people now. GOD. I hate this. I hate having what you were giving taken away. I hate it all. And I know that you're probably telling four other girls that you've "never felt like this about any other girl" and you can "see yourself spending forever" with them, like you were telling me. I know you. Don't give me your bullshit. You don't want me anymore. I bore you. You say you want stability but you really don't. You just want what's shiny and new and cathes your eye. I am stable, damnit and you're bored with me. I'm sorry I'm boring. I'm sorry you don't want me the way I want you. The way I love you. I'm sorry you have to respond with "ugh" when I tell you I love you. I"m sorry, ok? I'm fucking sorry. This isn't fair. I just want to be happy with you. I swear to god if you asked me to marry you, I'd say yes. That's how much I love you and how much I'm willing to give. That's how much Devon. Fuck. This sucks. Sunday November 05, 06 09:17 AM - Improvement? Feeling better. Somewhat. I guess this is good, but it could also be me getting used to the signals my body is sending. The pain in my side is gone. The pain in my back is from atrophied muscles being forced to work. I know I need to see a doctor. I just...I can't. Thursday October 26, 06 08:14 AM - I hardly doubt this is improvment. The abdominal pain is gone, but now I'm on my period and really worried about it. It's day four. Normally the flow is very light and accompanied with spotting. Not this time. It's not a heavy flow, but it's regular and a little too red for comfort. If I'm not done on Saturday, I'm going to the doctor coz god knows if pain doesn't make me pull my head out of my ass, constant bleeding sure as hell does. Wednesday October 18, 06 11:07 AM - Coping with a savage reality indeed. Took more today. I figure I might as well admit it somewhere. I think I'm dying. I bleed out of places normal people don't. There is a pain in my side that, until today, hurts when I breathe too deeply. Now it hurts constantly. I'm scared. I'm going to wait a bit and see what my body does, but if it doesn't go away, I'm going to see what the hell is wrong with me. The "blood in places it shouldn't be" thing started in January. Briefly, then it went away. It came back in May for a week. Then went away again. Now it's back again, along with the pain. I think it's cancer. In May, my plan was to just let it run its course and kill me naturally. I don't want bills. I don't want to fight a losing battle. But now, probably because I know there are people who love me, I want to live. I don't want them to be hurt because I was retarded and didn't seek medical care. Still though. I am so scared.