Saturday July 19, 08 05:01 PM - Fairytale No I'm not a fucking princess, I'm never going to have that fucking fairytale life I have in my fucked-up head. Why do I have such high picture-perfect fucking standards?! YES I KNOW YOU LOVE ME, yes you've told me you'd like to spend the rest of your life with me, yes I know you'll propose and we'll get married one day, have kids, grow old together. But thats NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR NATASHA IS IT!??!! You dont understand the meaning of marriage?..Thats a big problem for me, why!? Because it just FUCKING IS... Why get someone soo excited about the prospect of marrying someone one day when you dont care about marriage and you dont see what the stupid fucked-up ring on a persons finger means. Am I the only stupid cunt who thinks marriage means something!? Its not just a fucking thing to do to make someone HAPPY!! For fucks sake its supposed to be so special, a higher committment that two people hold dear and are willing to fight for, and I FUCKING KNOW YOU CAN HAVE THAT WITHOUT THAT STUPID FUCKED-UP RING AND CEREMONY, but its supposed to mean something doesnt it!?! Or does that shit only mean something to Christians these days!? Ok i'm going to sound like an idiot and apologise now for swearing, I dont like to usually but it really does get across how I'm feeling right now. So Im sorry, I really do hate swearing (...yep, does sound stupid). I do love you with all my heart as well but I cant help but feel you cant love me as much as I want to be loved from someone because you dont understand what it means to be married. I DONT GIVE A FUCK THAT NEARLY HALF OF ALL MARRIAGES FAIL!!! I DONT WANT MINE TO BE THE SAME, I WANT IT TO FUCKING MEAN SOMETHING!!! ...Is that too much to ask?...it obviously is. Somewhere inside me I know I'm being ridiculous but on the otherhand should I really give up my dreams to settle for what I feel right now is second-best!? And no, I'm not calling you second-best, I want to be with you more than anyone I have ever met and will ever meet again, but I want that committment, I want that special love that not many people have. FUCKING DREAMER HEY!? Why cant I be happy just settling for what I have?! I dont know, I know that what I have is really good, but still I cant help but feel its not enough, I want something so so special, someting amazing, something that may not even exist, something that will continue to disappoint me?...I FUCKING KNOW, YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL ME!! Why does nothing else matter to me besides that elusive 'perfect love'...I know deep down that it doesnt exist and still I find it very hard right now to accept that, yes I do hope it changes but until then I'll be childish and say I just wish I could have that, why cant I have that in my life?... Yes..dont worry..I know I'm fucked up, your not the only one thats thinking that right now.. It hurts me to think that something I look forward to more than anything doesnt mean anything to you, that your just doing it for me, because thats what I want..not what WE want. And yes, I have at times thought of it as just a stepping stone for you in life to have kids. I want it to mean just as much, if not more...I dont want to come second. I'm sorry, I really am. I dont understand why it doesnt mean anything to you!! It hurts me.. I dont want to do those things in life just because 'thats what people do', I want them to happen because of what they really mean, DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!? Am I willing to give up the relationship because it doesnt mean anything to you?...I dont know... Discussion Tuesday June 10, 08 02:50 PM - All in all.. I am very much in love. Things have moved fairly fast in this relationship, things just felt so right. The same as my first love, there was something about him that made me excited everytime I saw him. I enjoyed being around him, he is cute, funny and not like all the other guys (geez dont you hear that all the time..). I know we'll be together forever, how/why?...dunno, i just do. We decided to be together fairly quickly, we talked about moving in together about a month or two into the relationship and we found a place together and moved in around the three month mark. We've been together now for five months and we've been talking about our future, what our wedding will be like (not that he's asked me to marry him...yet), how many kids we want... We've had some pretty big arguments, but we've always worked them out. It's obvious we love each other very much and my family loves him, i'm pretty sure his family loves me too, and i've never been so comfortable around another persons family as i do around his, like they're my family as well. I do feel so very lucky, that maybe my luck has finally changed. I have a great guy who loves me and I love him. No its not all sunshine and roses, we do get very frustrated at each other at times and he does get a wicked tongue on him when he's shitty but other than that we are so happy together. We want the same things in life and are supportive of each other, it just feels like we were meant to be together. He doesnt have any children, neither do i, and i love that. I want us to have our children together and have grandchildren together, we want to be one of those old couples you see walking down the street holding hands. We always hold hands, when we go for a walk, go shopping, driving in the car, travelling, when we're in bed - i never want that to end. I hope this is not just some silly feeling i have. If what I'm saying is really reality then i have every reason in the world to be overjoyed. Maybe thats why i think it may not be real, because everyone has heard of the saying 'if it sounds too good to be true then it usually is'. There have been a couple of times when I was ready to leave, had my things packed. Deep down I didnt want to go, I guess it was more along the lines of i wanted him to know i wasnt going to settle for someone treating me badly, and he knows that i wont. We've been getting better, learning about each other and i know it will still take a while to know each other since we've only been together a short while. We'll make it though...i know we will. Discussion Friday May 16, 08 12:19 AM - Still the same Its so great how nothing has changed *sarcasm*. My eyes get so red when I'm crying, I never used to get this mad, this angry. I wish I didnt have that glass of wine because i'm not a drinker and it made me tipsy, it also made me near suicidal. Why cant it just be easy sometimes, dont I deserve that!? I dont know why I expect things to be great all the time, everytime I start to think that I'm finally getting everything I want it all falls in a heap of shit! It hasnt really fallen in a heap of shit, just right now i'm sick of the same old shit, im sick of him yelling at me, i'm sick of getting so angry at him that I yell myself. It makes me think we dont belong together. Maybe i just want so much for him to be the one i spend the rest of my life with that i'm too scared to just give up, or should i be giving up? Giving up doesnt sound like a good thing no matter what context you say it in. Maybe I should find another word?... Just leave me alone, please. Just be happy, and I'll be happy. Why cant the world do this? I know I'm complicated, but why do you have to be too???. I just want to hit something. I would have smashed the window in the car if I was out of my right mind (which probably wasnt too far off) but he still had to keep talking! I was getting so angry, why cant you just stop it when I tell you to!? So much for a fucking happy home! I'M TRYING SO HARD! Is this all the good that will ever come to me? The ups the downs? Will it ever be up and stay up? I can mind the mild arguments from time to time, it makes life interesting. But this all the time? I cant handle this, and I dont want to continue living my life like this. But I cant win, I dont want to spend the rest of my life single, yeah sure I was happy to a certain extent, but I would like the house, the family, the ring, the kids, but why can't I have a guy who doesnt send me to this place... He's soo good most of the time, and then he goes off, I know its supposedly my fault because I cant do/say the right thing in response to whatever he's complaining about at the time (and yes, I know I'm being a bitch about it right now), why cant you just let it go..I want to be happy. Why cant we just do that instead?? Why must we take the hard road all the time. I've learnt my lessons in life, I dont want to learn anymore! Please... Or is it just I have to live through somebody else's lessons as well... if so, I dont think thats very fair. I will forgive and forget if he truly is the one and one day it will all sort itself out, but what if its not. Is it worth going through this pain. I've been through it before, over and over again. Kinda puts you off ya know... There's this anger inside of me, I just want to hit him so bad, but then again I dont because I dont want to hurt anyone, and I think I'm confused by that. I can see myself just losing control, but thats where it ends; just imagining it. I'm such a dickhead. Why would I want to marry someone who obviously isnt right for me right now?! And yet if he asked me tomorrow I'd probably say yes...see what I mean...dickhead. I just want to go to bed, but of course he's in bed and if I go there he'll just try and cuddle me and that'll make me cry and get angry again. Or he could just ignore me, and that'll confuse me again. It's kind of a lose-lose...we're both fucked up in the head. Maybe its a good thing that I've got this bad memory, because I keep forgetting the bad things he says to me, like it wouldnt really bother him if he didnt see me anymore. Or maybe its a curse, because I do forget and end up staying? So whats the answer? Can anyone tell me? Discussion Monday April 21, 08 03:39 PM - Life It's pretty funny when you look back at your old thoughts and feelings, time does really change things, but does it change everything? I have a new love. He is great. He's affectionate, loving, entertaining, and, so he tells me, adores me, loves me more than he thought he was ever capable of loving someone. Now, with my history of relationships I have a little trouble trusting guys even though deep down I know he is a good guy and it just seems unreal that I found him, and he's not married or even has any kids. Of course with the good comes the bad. He's a bit psychologically unstable just as much as myself lol but I guess I can relate to that, because thats exactly how I was. He ADORES children. I have never seen anyone as fond of children as he is, and the fact that he doesnt have any himself is just another part of why I find it unreal. He's far from perfect, but then again, he's the best guy I have met, or maybe its just he's the best guy in my eyes. I know that if I dont do anything stupid (which is probably my main worry) that this could be the guy I spend the rest of my life with. I've said this before of someone I know, but as stupid as it always sounds, it feels completely different this time. He is so supportive of me, sometimes I question to myself why (which I know I shouldnt!), I guess some things dont change..like me. I feel myself starting to go down that spiralling drain again like when I was with my first love, things should be good but my mind thinks otherwise, like maybe there's something missing!? I dont even know if thats the right thing to say, or how true it is... I need something, someone, to show me what path I should be taking, what should I do now that will make things the way they should be for us to be happy in the future. I know its stupid, but I hate it that I dont know what the hell I'm doing! I guess the question that keeps repeating for me is "what should I be doing"...or maybe "what do I really want?" I'm doing uni at the moment, still in my first year and it is hard. This might all just be the stress from that, I dare say that it could definitely be the reason. I know I'm still young and I shouldnt be too hasty in my decisions, I need to stick with it, and everthing will be fine. Sometimes I just dwell too much on the negative. I need to stop. Discussion Friday September 08, 06 01:40 AM - I miss you... I miss you Nan. When I tell someone, they dont understand, Im having to go through it on my own. Its not really bad but its hard not having to call home because you'll be cranky if i dont...not hearing the things I need to hear when I have a problem or not know which direction I should take. I always looked to you, now Im not sure if I can pull it off by myself. I always find myself thinking "How was she always so strong??"..and i just dont know. You were the only person on this earth that really knew me, and its so hard not having you here anymore. Even when we didnt talk much at times, we were there for each other. I wish that I could have told you more of what was going on in my life but things were so complicated, it didnt mean I didnt need you. I wish I did talk to you, but I didnt want to make you worse when you were sick. I didnt know how bad you were. When something comes up I ask myself "What would Nan do?" or "What advice would she give me for this situation?"...but Im never sure. I thank you though, for all the things you have left me; a great upbringing by a loving mother (you will always be my mother), strength, respect for myself, a good set of values. I am very lucky to have had such an amazing person in my life. I didnt know what to do when you were taken away from us, it was like a part of me was ripped away and i became numb to handle the pain that was yet to come. As time goes on I feel the effect of whats happened and I miss you so much and I know there is nothing that can ease the pain. I feel like a little kid again, I feel vulnerable because I dont know whats going to happen and I have no control agian, I am so scared. I will be ok though, I promise. I will not let you down. I hope you are in a great place, because you deserve the very best. I love you so much, always have, always will. There will be noone that can come close to how much you mean to me and that place in my heart can never be occupied by anyone else. I know you have given me strength through this time but please dont worry about me anymore, I will be ok. Give that strength to Pop, i dont know if I can imagine what he must be going through, I know how much he loved you, my only wish is that I find a guy who can love me like he loves you. I will always miss you Nan. Discussion Saturday July 29, 06 12:23 AM - Myself I am not pissed off at the world, nor am I pissed of at a particular person or my life in general. I guess the small thing that pisses me off is myself at the moment. I have met someone that is actually an extremely sweet guy. I thought that I had been so lucky in regards to the people I have been with but I dont sense that I will get any of the shit from him that I have got from the others. I am afraid I am going to lose him because of my stupidity and emotional outbursts at things that upset me that probably really shouldnt. He has been so understanding and I like him alot... He makes me laugh. You know how important that is to me, when life gets you down or you have a bad day its always good to have someone special in your life that makes you laugh, and he is such a goose. =) When I first met him he was fun and naughty and the kind of guy you think 'this is not a guy a sensible girl would have a relationship with', but he showed me such a soft side to himself which actually shocked me and intrigued me and made me want to know more about him and want to be around him. He does so much for me and we have only known each other for a few months, and yet I continually test him to see how much he cares, how stupid! As I speak he is driving six hours to see me, and to take me back with him for a week (he has been up since 4am this morning, it is now 9pm). How can I say that he doesnt like me, or doesnt care? Other than all this, I have been alright, I have been happy. I think I got things out of my system last night, I was prepared to be alone, but he was there and wouldnt give up on me, he stayed and talked for ages even though he's been so tired. I am not saying he is the guy of my dreams or anything like that, but I am not going to push something away because I have doubts, even if it doesnt work out I wont regret trying, because you never know what life may bring, and I could definitely see myself falling in love with this guy...and that doesnt scare me. He seemed like such a 'roughnut', well thats what you would think from his appearance. Deep down it was surprising to find that he is kind, sweet, caring, passionate, has very good morals, not the best manners (but he's human). When he gets upset he isnt afraid to have a cry and I love that so much, it shows me that he has a heart and it isnt locked up in some hard cold shell like I always believed my ex's was. Im not feeling down at the moment, so I couldnt be bothered writing heaps. I may have to update later. ;P Discussion Saturday July 01, 06 03:55 PM - I Have Nothing I have lost the two most important people in my life. I have never allowed many people to get close to me, I guess because it takes a special person for me to feel comfortable enough to be my true self with. Everyone around me has their life set up or some plan. They have their kids, their man, their dog. While I am still trying to find my place in life, and now I have noone to guide me through it, noone to tell me what I need to hear or get approval and support from, noone that really matters to me anyone. She was always there to support me in any decision I made, and when I couldnt make it myself she always told me what I wanted to hear to make things right..like she knew me better than I knew myself. What am I supposed to do now that I dont have that? Who am I supposed to go to? I dont want to be one of those people who are totally independant, that doesnt appeal to me at all, it sounds like a very cold and lonely way to live..I dont believe people like that would be capable of fully loving someone with all they have. Why am I 22 and alone? Im a risk-taker, I love with all my heart, and work hard to have someone special in my life, I'd do anything to make them happy..so why doesnt anyone want to do that for me? Thats all I ever wanted... I have felt so numb, I have hardly cried. I want to be left alone, I want to be by myself. I know I cant do this because I have to be there for my family, when I just want to go someplace far away and never come back. I hate everything that has happened. I have noone I feel comfortable with, noone to hold me so I can cry to, they have all left me and dont give a shit. How can people be like that? I want to be alone, but I need someone here, but I am going to be alone because its just too much to ask someone to be here, whats the point when they are only feeling that they have to to make you feel better, because they'd feel bad if they didnt. I want someone to go out of their way to get their ass here to be with me no matter what! Because they want to be here with me; because they love me. I never had that, it was an illusion in my head that I once had that. In fact I couldnt have been with a more uncaring person...but I guess living that illusion was still better than being alone. Why cant something good come to me for once, why cant my prince came galloping down the road come to my door pick me up and say "I have always loved you, I will never lose you again, your coming with me"...(HOW FK'D UP IS THAT THOUGHT!!?) I see it as since that has never happened to me that noone does love me, noone will come for me, noone wants me. I dont want to take my chance on the new guy, or the guy I turned down because I was already in love, I want love to be in my life right now...I guess I should give up and stop thinking about it. I want things to go back two years ago and stop. I had everything I wanted, I had a future. Now everything is getting taken from me slowly. Why is this happening? I had such a good feeling about my life...someone changed something, they ruined everything. Discussion Wednesday April 12, 06 12:48 AM - Piss offed that I am pissed off.. I enjoy my life at the moment.. I really do. There are still little things that set me off sometimes like little things people say, things I do myself, memories that I cant stop from popping up in my head. Sometimes I dont realise it but at other times I do, and it sticks out so much that I dislike myself. What I am talking about is my attitude. I dont have the patience that I used to have, especially with the new guys in my life. The way I am looking at it is this: I do not want some guy hanging around invading my life!!! But lets go deeper shall we: That is what is on top of all the layering underneath, and I would like to share what I feel is some of the layer underneath that I know of... I was hurt pretty bad, as you could probably easily figure from my previous posts. I gave my heart and my soul, out of every guy I have been with there was only one I have really fell in love with... (I dont really want to bring this up again, because I hadnt really been thinking about it for quite some time, but something eventually pops out at you and you are instantly reminded of it again...and its always good to vent =P) I am afraid of being alone..the thing is, I wont let anyone close to me, I just dont want anything like that. I have guys that are interested in me but I dont want to give them a chance, I feel sometimes like I am even mean to them. I dont mean to be, everytime I am I stop and think - this is not what I want to be. I want to be nice, friendly, loveable but I do really think its because right now the last thing I want is to be hurt, because..i dunno..it kinda hurts!! Im pissed off because I know I cant continue this way. I was having such a wonderful day, then someone out of the blue asks me how he is..is he still being himself. I say 'yes, of course..he can be nothing other than who he is'...the response: 'let it go, you cant allow a new love in your life if you still have your love in the hands of someone else'....i cried. As strong as I think I am at times, it still gets me sometimes, but yes, time is healing all wounds. I have thought of asking the question a couple of times, but I have snapped out of it and I know there is no point, there is nothing there. I know what I must do, sometimes I dont think it all the way through and stray off the path. There are so many signs saying 'go this way'..but I cant help but hold onto the bullshit route, when am I going to stop walking forward so blindly!? I finally realised after the fact that there was nothing wrong with me! I am a different person, different views, different way of life. I felt bad for who I was and what I had not done in life, but that was wrong. I am very content with my little place in life, I am happy with myself. Sure there's a few little wrinkles I have to iron out here and there but this is my life, I do and I live how it makes me happy. You know what... I dont really even know what I'm saying anymore. I have too many thoughts in my head and some of them contradict the others. I think I had better leave the rest for another time. Although one thing I will say before I go: I have a lot of genuine love to give, its time to give some to the people who are making the effort for me. I think I deserve it... Friday March 31, 06 08:44 PM - I want to taste freedom You know I never wanted to be like this... You know how you always hear the stories about a person who was in love with someone and when they broke up it was never the same, they could never trust anyone again, they became someone different, they even felt like they could never give their heart fully to anyone again? I am pissed off to admit that I am that person. I always told myself after every breakup that I would NEVER let a man turn me into something I didnt want to be, I would always be strong and always move on always give my all...but now I am feeling it, and it does not feel good at all. I am not the person I used to be, I am not so innocent and naive as I used to be..I'm not as strong as I used to be. Its so much easier to give your all in life before you get hurt by love, after that I think people just get poisoned. I kind of understand him a little better; understand how he used to talk to me, understand the things he did, why he couldnt give his all to me. What he didnt realise that I was able to give my all, and I did, and I loved him like nothing else in this world. I have been hanging around with a few guys..not sleeping with them or anything, just going out, having some fun. I dont really see myself wanting to commit myself to any of them though. I make it so hard for them to get close to me, sometimes I think that I am even mean... I know its because I just dont trust anyone, I just couldnt be bothered with anyone anymore. It is still affecting me without me even realising it and its pissing me off. I want to be free..I want to love everything!!.. but I cant, and its not fair. I was happy once, and I dont mean just getting around like every other person, doing my thing in life, satisfied with what I had, wishing I had a little more, but REALLY happy, and for those of you who know what I mean you understand how good it feels, like your invincible. I am mean at times, I push people away and I am not the person I want to be. Yet I continue to do it and in my mind I believe I have the right, and will not apologise for it. I am still very much open, but now I only cause pain with it. I feel as though I have lost my passion, my drive. Even though I had a heart of marshmallow, I was stronger than a lot of people, I fought SO HARD...and for nothing, only to get poisoned and lose the freedom in my heart. That is the only thing I hate you for. I guess if I wanted to be like everyone else I would hate you and not have you in my life, I guess that would make sense...but I wont. Despite the pain in my chest, I will always be near you...always. Sunday January 29, 06 12:30 AM - It's just an illusion I dont know why I think everything is so easy. I guess I thought we really could just be friends, good friends.. I was wrong. What we once had is gone forever, along with our relationship. What I thought was a great relationship, a great friendship, is now lost. I let everything go because I was happy with this one person, and when it started to get bad I only kept in my head the good times, what HAD been, what they WERE like, I did not see the changes, I did not want to see the changes, until it was all gone and now I am left alone. There is nobody now, I pushed them all away. My friend, the person I confided in, told my deepest secrets, fears, hopes to... I have lost them forever. I dont even want to be around them because they just cause me so much sadness. It just clenches at my heart and I cant shake it off, the tears start to form and I dont know why, all I feel is this pain in my chest and I want to be somewhere else. I really dont think I have felt so let down. When I look at him I...I dont know exactly, but its like I am disgusted? This person in front of me isnt the man I fell in love with, isnt the person that made me feel alive and happy, the one I cried to when I was upset - the man I told I wouldn't rather be anywhere else than right there with him. He's so different, and it disgusts me?? I'm not sure if that is how I am feeling but I dont know what else to say. But I guess if he's happy then its ok, that was all I ever wanted..thats why I fell in love with him in the first place. Just to look at him now theres just so many feelings; pain, disgust, pity. That sounds pretty terrible, I dont think I mean it like that. The man I look at, he is nothing of the man I held close to my heart. I dont know where he went, and I am starting to think he wasnt really there to begin with, but maybe he was just an illusion in my head??? What he does disgusts me, who he hangs out with disgusts me, how he treats me disgusts me. I think that was just him all along, but I just saw him how I wanted to see him, and now he doesnt have to pretend anymore, he doesnt have to live up to my expectations. He can be the perverted, sick, social follower all he likes now, I am not there to judge or keep him in line. I know that what I just said is mean, but Im hurt, I know that shouldnt justify what I wrote but those are my feelings and that is why I write, I dont wish to hold back any of my feelings, my thoughts, what would be the point of that!? When I get really sad I want to call him so bad, I want to talk to him, but he is never there anymore. Even if he was its not the same. A part of me has been ripped off, Im bleeding and my only solution I have always reached to just doesnt know it, and doesnt care. But as long as he is filling his time with things to forget, thats ok. As long as he keeps telling his stories to everyone, hiding the fact he still has anything to do with me than thats ok, he still has his many friends to keep him company. Forget me, its ok. But dont you ever come back, I would never put myself through that pain again, not for you. I deserve much so better... Discussion

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