Monday April 21, 08 03:39 PM - Life It's pretty funny when you look back at your old thoughts and feelings, time does really change things, but does it change everything? I have a new love. He is great. He's affectionate, loving, entertaining, and, so he tells me, adores me, loves me more than he thought he was ever capable of loving someone. Now, with my history of relationships I have a little trouble trusting guys even though deep down I know he is a good guy and it just seems unreal that I found him, and he's not married or even has any kids. Of course with the good comes the bad. He's a bit psychologically unstable just as much as myself lol but I guess I can relate to that, because thats exactly how I was. He ADORES children. I have never seen anyone as fond of children as he is, and the fact that he doesnt have any himself is just another part of why I find it unreal. He's far from perfect, but then again, he's the best guy I have met, or maybe its just he's the best guy in my eyes. I know that if I dont do anything stupid (which is probably my main worry) that this could be the guy I spend the rest of my life with. I've said this before of someone I know, but as stupid as it always sounds, it feels completely different this time. He is so supportive of me, sometimes I question to myself why (which I know I shouldnt!), I guess some things dont change..like me. I feel myself starting to go down that spiralling drain again like when I was with my first love, things should be good but my mind thinks otherwise, like maybe there's something missing!? I dont even know if thats the right thing to say, or how true it is... I need something, someone, to show me what path I should be taking, what should I do now that will make things the way they should be for us to be happy in the future. I know its stupid, but I hate it that I dont know what the hell I'm doing! I guess the question that keeps repeating for me is "what should I be doing"...or maybe "what do I really want?" I'm doing uni at the moment, still in my first year and it is hard. This might all just be the stress from that, I dare say that it could definitely be the reason. I know I'm still young and I shouldnt be too hasty in my decisions, I need to stick with it, and everthing will be fine. Sometimes I just dwell too much on the negative. I need to stop. Discussion Friday September 08, 06 01:40 AM - I miss you... I miss you Nan. When I tell someone, they dont understand, Im having to go through it on my own. Its not really bad but its hard not having to call home because you'll be cranky if i dont...not hearing the things I need to hear when I have a problem or not know which direction I should take. I always looked to you, now Im not sure if I can pull it off by myself. I always find myself thinking "How was she always so strong??"..and i just dont know. You were the only person on this earth that really knew me, and its so hard not having you here anymore. Even when we didnt talk much at times, we were there for each other. I wish that I could have told you more of what was going on in my life but things were so complicated, it didnt mean I didnt need you. I wish I did talk to you, but I didnt want to make you worse when you were sick. I didnt know how bad you were. When something comes up I ask myself "What would Nan do?" or "What advice would she give me for this situation?"...but Im never sure. I thank you though, for all the things you have left me; a great upbringing by a loving mother (you will always be my mother), strength, respect for myself, a good set of values. I am very lucky to have had such an amazing person in my life. I didnt know what to do when you were taken away from us, it was like a part of me was ripped away and i became numb to handle the pain that was yet to come. As time goes on I feel the effect of whats happened and I miss you so much and I know there is nothing that can ease the pain. I feel like a little kid again, I feel vulnerable because I dont know whats going to happen and I have no control agian, I am so scared. I will be ok though, I promise. I will not let you down. I hope you are in a great place, because you deserve the very best. I love you so much, always have, always will. There will be noone that can come close to how much you mean to me and that place in my heart can never be occupied by anyone else. I know you have given me strength through this time but please dont worry about me anymore, I will be ok. Give that strength to Pop, i dont know if I can imagine what he must be going through, I know how much he loved you, my only wish is that I find a guy who can love me like he loves you. I will always miss you Nan. Discussion Saturday July 29, 06 12:23 AM - Myself I am not pissed off at the world, nor am I pissed of at a particular person or my life in general. I guess the small thing that pisses me off is myself at the moment. I have met someone that is actually an extremely sweet guy. I thought that I had been so lucky in regards to the people I have been with but I dont sense that I will get any of the shit from him that I have got from the others. I am afraid I am going to lose him because of my stupidity and emotional outbursts at things that upset me that probably really shouldnt. He has been so understanding and I like him alot... He makes me laugh. You know how important that is to me, when life gets you down or you have a bad day its always good to have someone special in your life that makes you laugh, and he is such a goose. =) When I first met him he was fun and naughty and the kind of guy you think 'this is not a guy a sensible girl would have a relationship with', but he showed me such a soft side to himself which actually shocked me and intrigued me and made me want to know more about him and want to be around him. He does so much for me and we have only known each other for a few months, and yet I continually test him to see how much he cares, how stupid! As I speak he is driving six hours to see me, and to take me back with him for a week (he has been up since 4am this morning, it is now 9pm). How can I say that he doesnt like me, or doesnt care? Other than all this, I have been alright, I have been happy. I think I got things out of my system last night, I was prepared to be alone, but he was there and wouldnt give up on me, he stayed and talked for ages even though he's been so tired. I am not saying he is the guy of my dreams or anything like that, but I am not going to push something away because I have doubts, even if it doesnt work out I wont regret trying, because you never know what life may bring, and I could definitely see myself falling in love with this guy...and that doesnt scare me. He seemed like such a 'roughnut', well thats what you would think from his appearance. Deep down it was surprising to find that he is kind, sweet, caring, passionate, has very good morals, not the best manners (but he's human). When he gets upset he isnt afraid to have a cry and I love that so much, it shows me that he has a heart and it isnt locked up in some hard cold shell like I always believed my ex's was. Im not feeling down at the moment, so I couldnt be bothered writing heaps. I may have to update later. ;P Discussion Saturday July 01, 06 03:55 PM - I Have Nothing I have lost the two most important people in my life. I have never allowed many people to get close to me, I guess because it takes a special person for me to feel comfortable enough to be my true self with. Everyone around me has their life set up or some plan. They have their kids, their man, their dog. While I am still trying to find my place in life, and now I have noone to guide me through it, noone to tell me what I need to hear or get approval and support from, noone that really matters to me anyone. She was always there to support me in any decision I made, and when I couldnt make it myself she always told me what I wanted to hear to make things right..like she knew me better than I knew myself. What am I supposed to do now that I dont have that? Who am I supposed to go to? I dont want to be one of those people who are totally independant, that doesnt appeal to me at all, it sounds like a very cold and lonely way to live..I dont believe people like that would be capable of fully loving someone with all they have. Why am I 22 and alone? Im a risk-taker, I love with all my heart, and work hard to have someone special in my life, I'd do anything to make them happy..so why doesnt anyone want to do that for me? Thats all I ever wanted... I have felt so numb, I have hardly cried. I want to be left alone, I want to be by myself. I know I cant do this because I have to be there for my family, when I just want to go someplace far away and never come back. I hate everything that has happened. I have noone I feel comfortable with, noone to hold me so I can cry to, they have all left me and dont give a shit. How can people be like that? I want to be alone, but I need someone here, but I am going to be alone because its just too much to ask someone to be here, whats the point when they are only feeling that they have to to make you feel better, because they'd feel bad if they didnt. I want someone to go out of their way to get their ass here to be with me no matter what! Because they want to be here with me; because they love me. I never had that, it was an illusion in my head that I once had that. In fact I couldnt have been with a more uncaring person...but I guess living that illusion was still better than being alone. Why cant something good come to me for once, why cant my prince came galloping down the road come to my door pick me up and say "I have always loved you, I will never lose you again, your coming with me"...(HOW FK'D UP IS THAT THOUGHT!!?) I see it as since that has never happened to me that noone does love me, noone will come for me, noone wants me. I dont want to take my chance on the new guy, or the guy I turned down because I was already in love, I want love to be in my life right now...I guess I should give up and stop thinking about it. I want things to go back two years ago and stop. I had everything I wanted, I had a future. Now everything is getting taken from me slowly. Why is this happening? I had such a good feeling about my life...someone changed something, they ruined everything. Discussion Wednesday April 12, 06 12:48 AM - Piss offed that I am pissed off.. I enjoy my life at the moment.. I really do. There are still little things that set me off sometimes like little things people say, things I do myself, memories that I cant stop from popping up in my head. Sometimes I dont realise it but at other times I do, and it sticks out so much that I dislike myself. What I am talking about is my attitude. I dont have the patience that I used to have, especially with the new guys in my life. The way I am looking at it is this: I do not want some guy hanging around invading my life!!! But lets go deeper shall we: That is what is on top of all the layering underneath, and I would like to share what I feel is some of the layer underneath that I know of... I was hurt pretty bad, as you could probably easily figure from my previous posts. I gave my heart and my soul, out of every guy I have been with there was only one I have really fell in love with... (I dont really want to bring this up again, because I hadnt really been thinking about it for quite some time, but something eventually pops out at you and you are instantly reminded of it again...and its always good to vent =P) I am afraid of being alone..the thing is, I wont let anyone close to me, I just dont want anything like that. I have guys that are interested in me but I dont want to give them a chance, I feel sometimes like I am even mean to them. I dont mean to be, everytime I am I stop and think - this is not what I want to be. I want to be nice, friendly, loveable but I do really think its because right now the last thing I want is to be hurt, because..i dunno..it kinda hurts!! Im pissed off because I know I cant continue this way. I was having such a wonderful day, then someone out of the blue asks me how he is..is he still being himself. I say 'yes, of course..he can be nothing other than who he is'...the response: 'let it go, you cant allow a new love in your life if you still have your love in the hands of someone else'....i cried. As strong as I think I am at times, it still gets me sometimes, but yes, time is healing all wounds. I have thought of asking the question a couple of times, but I have snapped out of it and I know there is no point, there is nothing there. I know what I must do, sometimes I dont think it all the way through and stray off the path. There are so many signs saying 'go this way'..but I cant help but hold onto the bullshit route, when am I going to stop walking forward so blindly!? I finally realised after the fact that there was nothing wrong with me! I am a different person, different views, different way of life. I felt bad for who I was and what I had not done in life, but that was wrong. I am very content with my little place in life, I am happy with myself. Sure there's a few little wrinkles I have to iron out here and there but this is my life, I do and I live how it makes me happy. You know what... I dont really even know what I'm saying anymore. I have too many thoughts in my head and some of them contradict the others. I think I had better leave the rest for another time. Although one thing I will say before I go: I have a lot of genuine love to give, its time to give some to the people who are making the effort for me. I think I deserve it... Friday March 31, 06 08:44 PM - I want to taste freedom You know I never wanted to be like this... You know how you always hear the stories about a person who was in love with someone and when they broke up it was never the same, they could never trust anyone again, they became someone different, they even felt like they could never give their heart fully to anyone again? I am pissed off to admit that I am that person. I always told myself after every breakup that I would NEVER let a man turn me into something I didnt want to be, I would always be strong and always move on always give my all...but now I am feeling it, and it does not feel good at all. I am not the person I used to be, I am not so innocent and naive as I used to be..I'm not as strong as I used to be. Its so much easier to give your all in life before you get hurt by love, after that I think people just get poisoned. I kind of understand him a little better; understand how he used to talk to me, understand the things he did, why he couldnt give his all to me. What he didnt realise that I was able to give my all, and I did, and I loved him like nothing else in this world. I have been hanging around with a few guys..not sleeping with them or anything, just going out, having some fun. I dont really see myself wanting to commit myself to any of them though. I make it so hard for them to get close to me, sometimes I think that I am even mean... I know its because I just dont trust anyone, I just couldnt be bothered with anyone anymore. It is still affecting me without me even realising it and its pissing me off. I want to be free..I want to love everything!!.. but I cant, and its not fair. I was happy once, and I dont mean just getting around like every other person, doing my thing in life, satisfied with what I had, wishing I had a little more, but REALLY happy, and for those of you who know what I mean you understand how good it feels, like your invincible. I am mean at times, I push people away and I am not the person I want to be. Yet I continue to do it and in my mind I believe I have the right, and will not apologise for it. I am still very much open, but now I only cause pain with it. I feel as though I have lost my passion, my drive. Even though I had a heart of marshmallow, I was stronger than a lot of people, I fought SO HARD...and for nothing, only to get poisoned and lose the freedom in my heart. That is the only thing I hate you for. I guess if I wanted to be like everyone else I would hate you and not have you in my life, I guess that would make sense...but I wont. Despite the pain in my chest, I will always be near you...always. Sunday January 29, 06 12:30 AM - It's just an illusion I dont know why I think everything is so easy. I guess I thought we really could just be friends, good friends.. I was wrong. What we once had is gone forever, along with our relationship. What I thought was a great relationship, a great friendship, is now lost. I let everything go because I was happy with this one person, and when it started to get bad I only kept in my head the good times, what HAD been, what they WERE like, I did not see the changes, I did not want to see the changes, until it was all gone and now I am left alone. There is nobody now, I pushed them all away. My friend, the person I confided in, told my deepest secrets, fears, hopes to... I have lost them forever. I dont even want to be around them because they just cause me so much sadness. It just clenches at my heart and I cant shake it off, the tears start to form and I dont know why, all I feel is this pain in my chest and I want to be somewhere else. I really dont think I have felt so let down. When I look at him I...I dont know exactly, but its like I am disgusted? This person in front of me isnt the man I fell in love with, isnt the person that made me feel alive and happy, the one I cried to when I was upset - the man I told I wouldn't rather be anywhere else than right there with him. He's so different, and it disgusts me?? I'm not sure if that is how I am feeling but I dont know what else to say. But I guess if he's happy then its ok, that was all I ever wanted..thats why I fell in love with him in the first place. Just to look at him now theres just so many feelings; pain, disgust, pity. That sounds pretty terrible, I dont think I mean it like that. The man I look at, he is nothing of the man I held close to my heart. I dont know where he went, and I am starting to think he wasnt really there to begin with, but maybe he was just an illusion in my head??? What he does disgusts me, who he hangs out with disgusts me, how he treats me disgusts me. I think that was just him all along, but I just saw him how I wanted to see him, and now he doesnt have to pretend anymore, he doesnt have to live up to my expectations. He can be the perverted, sick, social follower all he likes now, I am not there to judge or keep him in line. I know that what I just said is mean, but Im hurt, I know that shouldnt justify what I wrote but those are my feelings and that is why I write, I dont wish to hold back any of my feelings, my thoughts, what would be the point of that!? When I get really sad I want to call him so bad, I want to talk to him, but he is never there anymore. Even if he was its not the same. A part of me has been ripped off, Im bleeding and my only solution I have always reached to just doesnt know it, and doesnt care. But as long as he is filling his time with things to forget, thats ok. As long as he keeps telling his stories to everyone, hiding the fact he still has anything to do with me than thats ok, he still has his many friends to keep him company. Forget me, its ok. But dont you ever come back, I would never put myself through that pain again, not for you. I deserve much so better... Discussion Monday January 16, 06 04:23 PM - A new era dawning It is true the saying that when you close one door many others open up for you, but you are usually too focused on the door that has just closed behind you that you dont see the new ones opened. I have been like that for a while, focused on the closed door, but luckily not as long as usual or however long anyone else would I guess. I can feel myself feeling better and better about my situation, my life. I guess I will go back to another saying: "there's no point crying over spilt milk". Well actually Im not really, it does hurt sometimes thinking about it because they were good times for me, and I dont think of it as "spilt milk" at all, I dont regret anything. But the new doors that have opened..I see them, and they have me excited. lol I cant help but feel that there is so much more out there for me, and all I have to do is wait for it to come to me. If I live my life like I want to and love it then one day I will have everything I want. I can make that a reality. Right now I am so happy that I am free to do whatever I want, and I also know over the next few years I will have my life sorted and grounded. I dont care that Im not like that right now because I still have everything that I want and I can make do with the little things I have. I guess I am happy because I am back to running my life myself and not trying to live it for someone else. Noone will take that away from me, I will not let anyone make my decisions for me. Im doing what makes ME happy. =) Finally. Discussion Friday January 13, 06 12:11 AM - I want one of my own I dont know why I get so sad at night, why are your emotions so amplified when night comes? My aunt and her kids are staying with us at the moment, they are staying in the room next to mine and I can hear my aunt singing her kids to sleep. I am sitting here just listening, wishing that I could do that. I drive around in my car all the time singing, singing anything that comes to mind, but while I am singing I imagine that I am singing to my little girl, lying asleep in my arms or in her crib. It kind of makes me sad.. but I keep singing. I dont know what the deal is with me and kids. I dont really have any experience dealing with them but I see other people playing with them, interacting with them and I cant help but smile. I truly think that being a mother would be the thing to truly ground me because I know that to have a kid means your life is over and your life now belongs to them, that is how I look at it anyway. If things got hard for me or I got down then I know that my baby needs me to be strong and they would always be on my mind, I know its a full-time thing but I think I am the kind of person to put my heart into caring and looking after a child. With that responibilty I wouldnt have time to be in my own little world, where sometimes I cant pull myself back to reality. Hehe, Im not sure if anyone reading this would really know what I am talking about because I am not sure if I have explained it correctly myself. But for some reason or another that topic has been playing on my mind as of late. Im not really sure why, I dont even know if I am ready to have kids but I truly wish that I am able to have some one day, hopefully sooner than later. Sometimes I dont really know what to do with my life, and sometimes I dont even know why I am here, but I feel that if I was able to give my life to something, or should I say; dedicate my life to something/someone than maybe I can catch up. I dont have to run anymore and get nowhere.. no more running in slow motion? I know my problem, I just think too much. I am not a very social person and a lot of the time I will get away from the crowd just to be by myself, and because of that I have a lot of time to think. I dont drown my thoughts by rushing around doing anything I can think of just to keep occupied. For some very odd reason I believe that I actually LIKE it that way!? Yes, I am a true thinker and sometimes it gets me into trouble. I will sit down and I get lost in my thoughts and time gets away from me. lol I guess thats why I am not sleeping as much as I used to. I hope I find someone that makes me feel like he made me feel. Like I belonged and I had a path, a future. I know that sounds pretty pathetic, I admit that! The fact is, I dont want to spend the rest of my life alone, I want love, I want closeness and friendship and affection. I dont want to settle for a high-stress career, workmates and aquaintances. I want the real stuff. I want the get home from a long days work and collapse next to someone and relax and you dont have to ask them to stay and talk because that is where they want to be too. Is all of that too much to ask? Is that possible or am I making an ever impossible high standard in my head? Discussion Monday January 09, 06 03:57 PM - The Final Chapter My Dearest Tony You are such a great person and I feel so lucky to have been a big part of your life. I think the purpose of my letter was to apologise to you for pushing our relationship all the time, I felt a bit hesitant in writing this because I know I must have caused you enough pain already with my letters to you but I promise this will be the very last. I realise how hard it must have been for you to take those decisions that you made about us on like you did, I have no doubt in my mind that you loved me and yes, I loved you too. I dont want to say sorry for our relationship because I really did have a great time with you but I am sorry for all the bad things, the hurt that we both went through. I really do hope because of this we can cut the bullshit one day and be good friends, I know that we wont probably be the best of friends or see each other regularly but I want you to remember - never forget that I will always care about you! And if you ever need me I will ALWAYS be there, even if it is small I will never turn my back on you. I know I am your "ex", but dont ever let that stop you from coming to me if you are ever sad or lonely or just need a new voice to talk to because above all else I will always forever be your friend. I promise, I really do, that I will not continue to go on like I have been, I will give you the peace you deserve because I know that you also still need time to heal and you can only do that away from me. I guess you knew all along what was right there in front of us the whole time; we were completely incompatible. Geez I cant tell you how big a lesson I have learnt from all of this. I would not accept, I would not let anything or anyone tell me that we couldnt work things out, all I knew is that I loved you. That is why I kept trying to make us work, but I know you understand this. I thought I was doing the right thing you know? I am sorry for putting you through that hurt. I am very emotional writing this, I cant tell you whats really in my heart if I dont feel it and I dont try and put my all into my words. To be honest, out of all my letters I have ever written to you this is actually the hardest one, or at least the hardest one to give you. Im not sure how you will take it but if this does happen to upset you or even make you cry then I just want you to know that this is the last time, the last letter. Its hard for me to give you this because I know it is the truth more than anything I have ever known and it causes a lot of pain for me because your a special guy and I wish that I could be someone different for you, because I want you to have the best always. I still and always will wish you all the happiness in the world. I dont want us to ever fight anymore. I doubt I have expressed everything I feel and every I want you to know, especially how I feel for you. I guess one thing else I can say is that my heart is still with you forever no matter what happens. Take care of yourself ok, and keep happy, it tears me apart to see you any other way (I was forever falling in love with your smile, I know theres someone out there that will do the same). Love Tash xxx Discussion

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