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Sunday January 29, 06
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12:30 AM - It's just an illusion
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I dont know why I think everything is so easy. I guess I thought we really could just be friends, good friends.. I was wrong.
What we once had is gone forever, along with our relationship. What I thought was a great relationship, a great friendship, is now lost.
I let everything go because I was happy with this one person, and when it started to get bad I only kept in my head the good times, what HAD been, what they WERE like, I did not see the changes, I did not want to see the changes, until it was all gone and now I am left alone. There is nobody now, I pushed them all away.
My friend, the person I confided in, told my deepest secrets, fears, hopes to... I have lost them forever. I dont even want to be around them because they just cause me so much sadness. It just clenches at my heart and I cant shake it off, the tears start to form and I dont know why, all I feel is this pain in my chest and I want to be somewhere else. I really dont think I have felt so let down.
When I look at him I...I dont know exactly, but its like I am disgusted? This person in front of me isnt the man I fell in love with, isnt the person that made me feel alive and happy, the one I cried to when I was upset - the man I told I wouldn't rather be anywhere else than right there with him. He's so different, and it disgusts me?? I'm not sure if that is how I am feeling but I dont know what else to say.
But I guess if he's happy then its ok, that was all I ever wanted..thats why I fell in love with him in the first place. Just to look at him now theres just so many feelings; pain, disgust, pity. That sounds pretty terrible, I dont think I mean it like that. The man I look at, he is nothing of the man I held close to my heart. I dont know where he went, and I am starting to think he wasnt really there to begin with, but maybe he was just an illusion in my head???
What he does disgusts me, who he hangs out with disgusts me, how he treats me disgusts me. I think that was just him all along, but I just saw him how I wanted to see him, and now he doesnt have to pretend anymore, he doesnt have to live up to my expectations. He can be the perverted, sick, social follower all he likes now, I am not there to judge or keep him in line.
I know that what I just said is mean, but Im hurt, I know that shouldnt justify what I wrote but those are my feelings and that is why I write, I dont wish to hold back any of my feelings, my thoughts, what would be the point of that!?
When I get really sad I want to call him so bad, I want to talk to him, but he is never there anymore. Even if he was its not the same. A part of me has been ripped off, Im bleeding and my only solution I have always reached to just doesnt know it, and doesnt care. But as long as he is filling his time with things to forget, thats ok. As long as he keeps telling his stories to everyone, hiding the fact he still has anything to do with me than thats ok, he still has his many friends to keep him company. Forget me, its ok. But dont you ever come back, I would never put myself through that pain again, not for you.
I deserve much so better...
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